WASHINGTON - In his final months padding around the dark third-floor room in his cinderblock Pakistan hide-out, the world's most notorious terrorist mastermind spent a lot of time in his own head.
He fretted about his public image and the legacy of his organization. He wondered whether he had misnamed it al-Qaida. He fired off orders, handed out promotions, denied requests for help from the battlefield and sought to direct publicity for the looming 10th anniversary of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. And as well, he schemed to kill the man who would, in the end, give the order to shoot him dead: Barack Obama.
That's the portrait of Osama bin Laden painted by the slim collection of notes and letters made public Thursday by the Combating Terrorism Center, a think tank at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point. The 17 documents represent a sliver of the vast cache of material on computer hard disks, flash drives and DVDs that Navy SEALs scooped up from bin Laden's compound after they found him a year ago in his bedroom and put a bullet in his face.
The documents offer few revelations about how bin Laden evaded the U.S. for nearly a decade. But they do provide, with granular detail, selective insights into the mind of the terrorist leader during the years he was on the run.
What is missing from the tightly controlled release are details of who may have protected him, and how America's Public Enemy No. 1 had spent years just a mile from Pakistan's own version of West Point, the prestigious Kakul military academy in Abbottabad.
During those years, the documents indicate, bin Laden was haunted by al-Qaida's failures and sought to recast his revolution. He concerned himself with the organization's inabilities to launch a second large-scale attack in the U.S., to capitalize on resentment that fueled the "Arab Spring" and to retain the trust and loyalty of Sunni Arab tribes in western Iraq.
Al-Qaida's experience in Iraq weighed heavily on bin Laden. He saw how beheadings and indiscriminate bombings that led to scores of Muslim civilian deaths turned the tribes against the group, pushing tribal leaders into an alliance with the U.S. military.
"Bin Laden appeared to be deeply concerned that affiliates could go too far by killing too many people," said Seth Jones, an expert on al-Qaida at the Santa Monica, Calif.-based Rand Corp. think tank and author of "Hunting in the Shadows: The Pursuit of al Qa'ida Since 9/11."
Concerned that a "large portion" of Muslims had lost their trust in al-Qaida, bin Laden even floated new names for his organization. He felt that continuing to call the group al-Qaida "reduces the feeling of Muslims that we belong to them."
Al-Qaida means "the base" and was a name that emerged from the organization's origins in the base camps for fighters in Pakistan training to launch attacks on Soviet forces occupying Afghanistan in the 1980s. Bin Laden pondered ideas for a new name to better embrace the Muslim world, the contenders including: Muslim Unity Group, Islamic National Unification Party or Monotheism and Jihad Group.
Bin Laden continued to order that holy war be waged thousands of miles away, even as he remained within his compound. He could only see the world in shadows, flickering on his television set and computer screen, or described to him through letters and Arabic translations of American news reports.
As a result, he developed a sort of talk radio view of U.S. politics. At the same time, he could no longer trust that his commands were being followed, or whether his subordinates still revered him.
"I don't think he had understood that al-Qaida had long passed him by," said Jarret Brachman, a consultant to the U.S. government on the leadership of terrorist organizations and the author of "Global Jihadism: Theory and Practice."
Among the plans that never came to fruition was a plot to kill Obama.
Bin Laden ordered a lieutenant to set up a terrorist team near Bagram air base in Afghanistan that would be ready to blow up the president's plane if he arrived for a surprise visit, as he eventually did on Tuesday, the first anniversary of bin Laden's death.
Bin Laden wrote in a letter to one of his lieutenants that assassinating Obama would put a "totally unprepared" Vice President Joe Biden in charge of the country, "which will lead the U.S. into a crisis."
He also continued to express a need to maintain personal control, demanding that affiliates in Yemen, Somalia and North Africa stop fighting regional battles and help him focus on attacking the West.
He told the head of the Yemen affiliate that he shouldn't declare an Islamic state there as long as "the enemy continues to possess the ability to topple any state we establish."
The small selection of letters seems to show a bin Laden who may have grown apart from his long-time deputy, Egyptian-born surgeon Ayman al-Zawahri, and come to rely on the judgment of Libyan-born Atiyah Rahman, who was killed in a predator drone strike in August 2011. In the letters, Rahman and bin Laden also lament the rash and short-sighted leadership shown by a new generation of leaders rising through the ranks.
"It is clear that the documents that paint a negative portrait of al-Qaeda, they (the Obama administration) wanted out," said a former U.S. official familiar with the intelligence haul who spoke under the condition of anonymity in order to discuss sensitive material.
Seeing a more three-dimensional portrait of bin Laden would require the release of a more representative batch of the documents, said Bill Roggio, managing editor of the Long War Journal, a website that tracks terrorist groups and is funded by the Foundation for the Defense of Democracies, a right-leaning think tank in Washington.
"I think that nearly all of Osama bin Laden's files should be declassified and released to the public, not just a tiny fraction of them," said Roggio.
Read more here: http://www.bellinghamherald.com/2012/05/03/2508224/bin-laden-papers-reveal-concern.html#storylink=cpy
(CNN) -- A trove of never-before-seen letters by Osama bin Laden portray the terrorist leader as an irritated boss chiding his underlings for mistakes yet sure that they could pull off elaborate attacks against the United States.
U.S. Navy SEALs took the correspondence after they killed bin Laden in a raid on his Pakistan compound in May 2011. On Thursday, the Combating Terrorism Center at the U.S. Military Academy in West Point, New York, released 17 letters totaling 175 pages, with more documents to be made public later.
U.S. officials say that the documents recovered in the compound -- about 6,000 worth -- were written between September 2006 and April 2011 and were recovered from five computers, dozens of hard drives and more than 100 storage devices. The cache has been described as the single largest batch of senior terrorist material ever obtained.
CNN reviewed the released papers, which can be read in full here.
Bergen: Bin Laden 'paranoid'
Bergen: Bin Laden 'a micromanager'
Is al Qaeda weaker today?
Robertson: Bin Laden jealousy
Taken as a whole, the letters suggest that al Qaeda senior leadership couldn't decide on how to move forward. What tactics should they use? Do they need better strategy? A segment of the records reveals that bin Laden was revamping al Qaeda's media strategy, particularly in the wake of the Arab Spring protests, a movement toward freer societies in the Middle East and North Africa. He wanted to launch a publicity campaign that would inspire those who had "not yet revolted."
More from the documents: Drone fears, plots, murders, drugs
As a leader, bin Laden reveals himself to be hot-tempered and annoyed that the terrorist network he built had too many uncontrollable affiliates around the globe. At one point, he demands that four senior figures in al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula write their own detailed self-reviews and send them to him.
Jealousy, hair dye and admitting mistakes
As a man, he seemed given to the same vanities and tasteless musings of any aging power player. He was coloring his graying hair with Just for Men dye, taking Viagra and making bad jokes about having multiple wives.
But, at the same time, he wrote that he was concerned for at least one of the women and was also deeply worried that his adult sons were being watched and should be careful when traveling. In other points in the letters, bin Laden appears jealous of a Yemeni cleric whom followers had grown to admire.
In summer 2010, bin Laden appears so desperate to re-energize al Qaeda that he calls for admitting that attacking inside Muslim countries has been a mistake for which members should apologize. In urging more U.S. and U.S.-related targets, he wrote, "Making these mistakes is a great issue ... as a result the alienation of most of the nation from the Mujahidin.
"For the brothers in all the regions to apologize and be held responsible for what happened."
CNN terrorism analyst Peter Bergen was the only journalist to get early access to some of the documents while researching his new book "Manhunt: The Ten-Year Search for Bin Laden From 9/11 to Abbottabad." Bergen was also allowed inside the compound and saw the walls spattered with bin Laden's blood after a SEAL shot him.
Bergen described his reporting in an exclusive interview with CNN this week, suggesting that bin Laden was an "inveterate micromanager but was also someone almost delusional in his belief that his organization could still force a change in American foreign policies in the Muslim world."
But that didn't mean he lacked ambition.
Biden is totally unprepared for that post
Osama bin Laden on why he wanted to kill President Obama
Bin Laden wanted to see another major terrorist attack occur in the United States and wanted to kill President Barack Obama and Gen. David Petraeus when he was the commander of international forces in Afghanistan. Bin Laden ordered that units be established at Bagram Air Base in Afghanistan and in Pakistan to target planes carrying Petraeus or Obama.
Vice President Joseph Biden should not be attacked, he instructed.
"Good manners, integrity, courage"
"Biden is totally unprepared for that post."
If Obama were killed and Biden took control of the White House, bin Laden wrote, it would "lead the US into a crisis."
If Petraeus were killed, he reasoned, it would alter the course of the war.
Writing to one of his top lieutenants in 2010, he said he wanted "qualified brothers to be responsible for a large operation in the US."
He wanted high-ranking al Qaeda brass to nominate al Qaeda members distinguished by "good manners, integrity, courage and secretiveness, who can operate in the US."
Bin Laden still believed that attacks in the air worked well. He urged about 10 "brothers" -- preferably from the Gulf states -- to be sent to "study aviation" so they could carry out suicide attacks.
In an undated letter, unsigned but believed to have been written by bin Laden, the author likened the U.S. to a tree and its allies and cooperating Muslim countries as the branches. The writer explains that al Qaeda and its affiliates make up the saw that will slowly cut down the tree, after which its branches will die.
"Our abilities and resources, however, are limited, thus we cannot do the job quickly enough. The only option we are left with is to slowly cut that tree down by using a saw. Our intention is to saw the trunk of that tree, and never to stop until that tree falls down."
Our abilities and resources, however, are limited, thus we cannot do the job quickly enough
Believed to be bin Laden in a letter saying al Qaeda isn't working fast enough.
Better coordination among al Qaeda ranks was an absolute must, the documents suggest.
"It would be good if you coordinate with our brothers of the Pakistan and Afghanistan Taliban in regards to the external work, so that there is complete cooperation between us, and tell them that we started planning work inside America many years ago," bin Laden wrote in late May 2010 to an unknown recipient.
Al Qaeda had "gained experience in that field" and should know how the get the job done.
A new media message
On the 10th anniversary of the September 11 attacks, bin Laden was concentrating on how to craft the perfect media message. He suggested that al Qaeda contact Al Jazeera.
"If al-Jazirah shows responsiveness, we should contact the correspondent of al-Jazirah Arabic and English and tell them that we are willing to cooperate with them in the area of covering the tenth anniversary by answering any questions that you think the public is interested in."
He wanted to approach media in the U.S. and perhaps push for a documentary that al Qaeda would help with.
"We should also look for an American channel that can be close to being unbiased, such as CBS, or other channel that has political motives that make it interested in broadcasting the point of view of al-Mujahidin," he wrote. "Then we can send to thee channel the material that we want the Americans to see.
Bin Laden in his Pakistan compound.
Bin Laden in his Pakistan compound.
"Tell them that we suggest that they make a documentary on this anniversary and we will provide them with printed, audio and video materials."
He wrote that he was concerned that a "lack of coordination" was becoming a problem for the terrorist group. He warned against making "errors" like the ones that "happened easily" with 30-year-old Pakistani-American Faisal Shahzad, who attempted to detonate a car bomb in New York's Times Square on May 1, 2010. The bomb didn't go off, and Shahzad was arrested two days later, trying to leave the U.S. on a flight to Pakistan.
A fresh start, a new name
Bin Laden was so concerned about affiliate groups -- in Pakistan, Yemen and Somalia -- that by 2010, he was even suggesting repackaging al Qaeda's brand.
Al Qaeda in Arabic means "The Base." It was first used in reference to muhajedeen who battled the Soviets in Afghanistan in the 1980s.
Some of the newly released documents show that al Qaeda members were considering a more general "Jihad Group," kind of a one-size-fits-all Mayhem Inc. outfit.
"I plan to release a statement that we are starting a new phase to correct (the mistakes) we made; in doing so we shall reclaim, God willing, the trust of a large segment of those who lost trust in the jihadis," he wrote in a lengthy letter between July and October 2010 that was sent to one of his top lieutenants, Attiyatullah.
He says that "the brothers in all the regions" should "apologize and be held responsible for what happened."
Bin Laden was a tough boss. In one letter written between July and October 2010, he demanded that four senior figures within the affiliate al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula based in Yemen (his home country) write self-reviews of why their groups had mistakes. One of those figures is radical cleric Anwar al-Awlaqi, by then an Internet "rock star" among jihadists.
Too many franchises
If bin Laden were a CEO, he was dealing with far too many middle managers. He wrote that he was concerned about the al Qaeda franchise in Iraq killing too many civilians and consequently attracting too much heat from coalition forces.
It was a waste of energy to target governments, as al Qaeda in Iraq was doing, he said.
Bin Laden struggled to get his followers to focus instead on U.S. interests in non-Muslim states such as South Korea, "where we have no bases or partisans or Jihadist groups that could be threatened by danger." He also suggested targeting Americans in South Africa because it is outside the Islamic Maghreb.
"On (August) 7, 2010, he wrote to the leader of the brutal al-Shabaab militia in Somalia to warn that declaring itself part of al Qaeda would only attract enemies and make it harder to raise money from rich Arabs," Bergen noted.
But seven months later, al-Shabaab did just that, announcing a merger with the organization now headed by Ayman al-Zawahiri.
A U.S. intelligence bulletin after the announcement suggests that the relationship could undermine efforts by al-Shabaab supporters in the United States.
The letters also contain advice to the leader of Al-Shabaab not to identify his group as being part of the larger terrorist network so it wouldn't put off potential financial donors.
Bin Laden's Arab Spring problem
In addition to his faltering grip on al Qaeda's franchises, bin Laden's ideology was in jeopardy when the Arab Spring started in the Middle East and North Africa in 2011. Bin Laden called the movement toward more free and open societies in Tunisia, Egypt, Libya and elsewhere a "formidable event" in the modern history of Muslims.
He wrote in April 2011 that he intended to use the media to deal with that.
Bin Laden wanted al Qaeda to launch a campaign in the Arab world, he wrote, to incite "people who have not yet revolted and exhort them to rebel against the rulers."
But he also wanted to invest in educating Muslims that they shouldn't settle for "half-solutions," according to the Combating Terrorism Center's analysis.
I am leaning toward getting most of the brothers out of the area
bin Laden on helping followers evade drone strikes
"Given that the enemies have knowledge of and experience with the Arabs and their history, they have learned that Arabs have dangerous qualities that make them suitable to quickly carry out the call to Jihad," he wrote.
The "enemies" have launched a "destructive media bombardment against Arab culture and their characteristics."
As proof, he offered that the BBC translates its stories in Arabic. He argued that China has more people than the Arab world, so why wouldn't the BBC give top priority to translating stories in Chinese?
"It was possible for the voice of the British Empire to reach 40% of the world's population through just its broadcast, but their primary concern was with destroying the Arabs via the media," he wrote.
Attack of the drones
While he busied himself with crafting a clever media message, bin Laden was also concerned the U.S. drone strikes were hurting al Qaeda in Pakistan.
In October 20, 2010, he wrote, "I am leaning toward getting most of the brothers out of the area."
He continued, "We should leave the cars because they are targeting cars now, but if we leave them, they will start focusing on houses and that would increase the casualties of women and children."
He warned his men that they should "not meet on the road and move in their cars" and noted that "Americans have great accumulative experience in photographer in the area due to the fact that they have been doing it in the area for many years."
It's best to stick to rougher, more mountainous terrain that has rivers and trees, because those areas are harder to surveil, he wrote.
He reminded his followers to move "when the clouds are heavy." Concerned about the group's finances, he also urged them to discard bags that carry money in case the bags were carrying chips that might disclose the user's whereabouts.
He gave one more piece of advice: Don't speak on the phone or through the Internet.
It's best, he said, to communicate by letters.
"The SEALs recovered an extensive stash of pornography from bin Laden's compound. It's probably not easy just having sex with the same 11 wives all the time. There were interesting titles: 'Debby Does Abbottabad,' 'Deep Goat,' 'Bare Ankles 4,' and '2 Humps, 1 Camel.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Osama Bin Laden's supporters want to rename the Arabian Sea where his body was dumped Martyr Sea. Really? Martyr Sea? Hiding in your bedroom for six years? How about Chicken of the Sea?" –Jay Leno
"The death of Osama bin Laden has apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda says we're going to pay for Osama bin Laden's death. I'm pretty sure we did. We even took care of funeral arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice." –Jimmy Kimmel
"The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?" –Conan O'Brien
"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship." –David Letterman
"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, "I love all living things, but that guy was a dick." -Conan O'Brien
"Osama bin Laden is in the ocean. How ironic. Once again surrounded by seals." –Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden had money and telephone numbers sewn into his clothes. Apparently we got him just as he was on his way to summer camp." -Jay Leno
"After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" –Craig Ferguson
"How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head." –David Letterman
"Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View' is writing a children's book about Osama bin Laden's death. She wants to write a book to explain the whole thing to children. No title yet, but I have some suggestions: 'The Cat in the Fatwa,' 'Horton hears a Helicopter,' 'Goodnight, Douche'" –Craig Ferguson
"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why they're so upset. Everyone in Al Qaeda just got a promotion." –Craig Ferguson
"There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans." –David Letterman
"The hot new drink around the country is the bin Laden. It's a Colt 45 and a shot that goes right to your head." –Jay Leno
"Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the ultimate waterboarding.'" –Jay Leno
"The White House says they will release the Osama bin Laden death photo. Better yet, they’re doing it on a set of limited edition commemorative plates." –Conan O'Brien
"What?! Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we killed him in Abottabad! Abottabad sounds like name most New Yorkers would have invented for the fictional place they would have loved to kill Bin Laden." –Jon Stewart
"He was living a half a mile from Pakistan's version of West Point in a town surrounded by retired ex-military officers. Let me put it in New York City terms. Bin Laden was on 21st and Seventh Avenue; they were on 21st and Ninth Avenue. If the Pakistani military academy were Domino's, they would have been delivered to bin Laden on foot." –Jon Stewart
"Osama bin Laden, as we speak, is living with Spongebob in a pineapple under the sea." –Jimmy Kimmel
"He's up to 2,000 friends on Shot In The Facebook." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, best episode of Maury Povich EVER." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama gave the order for Navy SEALs to kill bin Laden. When President Bush heard about it, he was really upset, saying, 'I could have used seals?'" –Conan O'Brien
"Why are we listening to the Bush Administration people anyway? They didn't get bin Laden. They are like the Winklevoss twins of getting bin Laden. If you were the guys who were going to kill bin Laden, you would have killed bin Laden." –Jon Stewart, likening claims by former Bush officials that they deserve the credit for killing bin Laden to the Winklevoss's claims that they invented Facebook
“By the way, 'buried at sea'? means 'dumped in the ocean.' That’s what they did with him. They dumped him in the ocean. Now I won't feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach."? –Jimmy Kimmel
"And so, Osama Bin Laden got his first bath in almost ten years. This could the best shark week ever." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Finding bin Laden was like finding a needle in a country that swore it didn’t have needles." –Stephen Colbert
"I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'" –Craig Ferguson
"President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans' chances in 2012." –Jimmy Fallon
"It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'" –Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden was apparently shot twice in the face. It looks like Dick Cheney may have been involved." –Jay Leno
"Oddly enough, bin Laden's last words were, 'I hope you at least use this to interrupt 'Celebrity Apprentice.'' –Jimmy Fallon
"Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down." –Conan O'Brien
"Bin Laden was living in a house with no Internet access, which explains why there were all those bin Laden sightings at the Islamabad Kinko's." –Conan O'Brien
"Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces. Everyone on TV has been really happy. Glenn Beck was crying — and then he found out about Osama." –Craig Ferguson
"Looking for Bin Laden was like a 10-year game of Where’s Waldo. Only better because when you finally find Waldo you get to storm his compound and put a cap in his ass." –Craig Ferguson
"President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted 'Celebrity Apprentice.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Bin Laden lived in this compound in Pakistan with all of his wives for 6 years. So he did suffer." –David Letterman
"I would like us to kill bin Laden every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Jacob and Isabella are the most popular baby names in the U.S. The least popular baby name: Donald Sheen bin Laden." –Jimmy Fallon
"Oddly enough, bin Laden's last words were, 'I hope you at least use this to interrupt 'Celebrity Apprentice.'' –Jimmy Fallon
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Osama bin Laden put out a new video. The timing of this video has some people upset, three days before we vote. It looks like he's trying to influence the election. And I'll tell you, it's not going to work. Americans know Osama bin Laden does not pick our president. The Supreme Court does." —Bill Maher
"Some of it is really kind of chilling. On the tape, bin Laden says that neither Kerry nor Bush can keep us safe. Boy, just what we need, another undecided voter." —Bill Maher
"The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is wearing Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The guy has made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood." —Jay Leno
"The Defense Department ... says that troops in Afghanistan have discovered several more tapes of Osama bin Laden speaking with his followers. ... And if you order the whole set right now, they'll throw in 'The Taliban's Wet 'n' Wild Spring Break'" —Conan O'Brien
"Did you see the Osama bin Laden dinner party tape? He's having dinner with a legless sheik. We can't even catch that guy." —David Letterman
"One thing we learned, bombing works. ... We've flown over 2,800 sorties, dropped 15 tons in warheads, and done $39 in damage. But we're a compassionate nation ... and when this is all over, we're going to put the rocks and dirt back." —Comedian Al Franken
"The CIA is now saying that a drone rocket may have killed Osama bin Laden way up in the mountains. ... Let me translate for you. What they're saying is he's still alive and they don't have any idea where the hell he is" —David Letterman
"They say now that Mullah Omar is living out of his car. You know things are not going well for the jihad when your Supreme Leader is living in his Toyota." —David Letterman
"Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing." —David Letterman
"Yesterday, the government released that tape of Osama bin Laden and if you watched it, you know Osama bin Laden is not only evil, but really, really boring. And could he be more guilty? Even O.J.'s going 'Come on, you know he did it.'" —Jay Leno
"Did you see the Osama bin Laden dinner party tape? He's having dinner with a legless sheik. We can't even catch that guy." —David Letterman
"According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama also has a gun, this could work out okay." —Jay Leno
"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said this week there's a good chance we never get bin Laden. bin Laden! We couldn't even get O.J.!" —Jay Leno
"There's a new Osama bin Laden video. He's the only person that is looking thin during the holidays. How does he do it? I think he's going to Jenny Craig." —Jay Leno
"An interim government has been set up in Afghanistan which includes two women, one of whom will be Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show her ankles to to get that job?" —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin." —Jay Leno
"Every day we learn more and more about this wacky Osama bin Laden. He lives in a cave and at one time he was a womanizer. But now he has settled down with his five wives and 26 kids, so that's now all over. ... He also had a drinking problem at one time. I believe he went through 'Jihab'" —David Letterman
"Osama bin Laden has hired 10 look-alikes. Now, how hard up do you have to be before you take that job? There's no way to win! If Osama dies, you don't get paid. If you're found, you get killed." —Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them." —David Letterman
"Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They dressed up as women and went across the border into Pakistan. I think they're going to make a movie about it. They're going to call it 'Some like it Jihad.'" —David Letterman
"The Taliban is on the run and don't know where to go. Pakistan doesn't want them. Iran doesn't want them. Of course, they'll have no problem getting into this country." —David Letterman
"It looks like we are going to have to set up a new government in Afghanistan, which is not going to be easy. After our last election, look how long it took us to set up our own government." —Jay Leno
"In Afghanistan this week, outnumbered Northern Alliance rebels on horseback defeated Taliban forces armed with tanks. Experts say the victory is just like the story of David and Goliath and David's friend, the Stealth Bomber." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Wayne Newton has officially replaced Bob Hope as the head of the USO celebrity tour and will depart November 12 to entertain troops overseas. Army generals say the biggest threat to Newton when he arrives in Afghanistan is friendly fire. When told Newton would be performing, American soldiers called it, 'our biggest setback so far'" —Jimmy Fallon on "Weekend Update"
"Geraldo Rivera is headed for Afghanistan. Boy, you thought those people hated us before." —Jay Leno
"You know what the bounty is on bin Laden? $25 million. It sounds like a lot until you realize the Texas Rangers paid $250 million to get Alex Rodriguez." —Jay Leno
"President Bush addressed the nation on some of the networks. NBC and CBS refused to preempt 'Friends' and 'Survivor' for the president. So God forbid, let's hope the enemy never attacks on a Thursday night." —Jay Leno
"Did you see President Bush throw out the first pitch of game two of the World Series? The White House said it was a strike. The Taliban said it missed and killed several innocent people." —David Letterman
"When we grab Osama bin Laden, we should put him on our show. That would be a taste of hell." —Jerry Springer
"More and more news coming out about this Osama bin Laden guy. He's 6'5" and has 42 children. Or, as the NBA calls him, a rookie." —Jay Leno
"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail." —Jay Leno
"I was reading more about Osama bin Laden today. Turns out he started in the mailroom." —David Letterman
"I went to see that movie 'From Hell,' or as Osama bin Laden calls it — 'Roots.'" —Jay Leno
"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living." —Jay Leno
"Geraldo Rivera says Osama bin Laden is hiding out in Pakistan ... which means the most hated man in Afghanistan is now Geraldo Rivera." —Conan O'Brien
"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan." —Jay Leno
"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves." —David Letterman
"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard." —David Letterman
"The FBI announced today that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden's financial adviser. You think this guy is in demand. How good can he be? his top client is living in a cave and driving a donkey. It doesn't sound like he is getting the best return on his investments to me." —Jay Leno
"This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, 'May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?'" —David Letterman
"I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing we've learned from it's that you can't trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm telling you the list goes on." —David Letterman
"Allied forces have hit all the Taliban military installations and bases. To give you an idea how successful these strikes have been: the Taliban has been telling young men that when they get to heaven, there may not be enough virgins to go around. They were promised 72. Now they are down to 45, but were told, 'Your virgins may vary." —Jay Leno
"We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton." —David Letterman
"They found a cave once lived in by Osama bin Laden and the only thing in the cave were some boxer undershorts, and macaroni. I'm telling you, you add an old stack of Playboys, this could be my place. It's like I have a twin." —David Letterman
"Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards." —David Letterman
"Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed." —Jay Leno
"How many have seen that Osama bin Laden footage? Pretty scary. In fact, today, NBC ordered 13 more episodes." —Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden has hired 10 look-alikes. Now, how hard up do you have to be before you take that job? There's no way to win! If Osama dies, you don't get paid. If you're found, you get killed." —Jay Leno
"There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head." —Jay Leno
"Insiders say that Osama bin Laden is depressed because his network is unraveling. Hey, the same is happening here and it's not bothering me." —David Letterman
"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S. promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis." —Jay Leno
"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic" —Conan O'Brien
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." —Jay Leno
"Allied forces have hit all the Taliban military installations and bases. To give you an idea how successful these strikes have been: the Taliban has been telling young men that when they get to heaven, there may not be enough virgins to go around. They were promised 72. Now they are down to 45, but were told, 'Your virgins may vary." —Jay Leno
"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard." —David Letterman
"Bin Laden was once targeted by President Clinton. President Clinton wanted to kill him but couldn't get him. Of course not, we all know what kind of aim Clinton has." —Jay Leno
"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S. promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head." —Jay Leno
"Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed." —Jay Leno
"The U.S. continues the search for Osama bin Laden. Reports suggest that bin Laden is most likely hiding out somewhere remote and barren, where he will not encounter others. The FBI has begun searching theaters showing the movie 'Glitter.'" —Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"The Taliban has asked Osama bin Laden to voluntarily leave the country. They said they delivered him a note asking him to leave, which is a pretty good trick considering they claim they don't even know where he is." —Jay Leno
"I read in the paper today this bin Laden guy is the wealthiest guy in Afghanistan. That's when you know your government is no good, when the wealthiest guy in the country lives in a cave." —Jay Leno
"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country." —Jay Leno
"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban, apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad." —Jay Leno
"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges." —Jay Leno
"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism." —Jay Leno
"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt." —Jay Leno
"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton." —Jay Leno
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week." —Jay Leno
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
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The death of a human being is usually not something to laugh about, though many people are finding humor in the fact that Osama bin Laden is dead. Plenty of people celebrated in the streets while others shared Osama bin Laden death jokes on Twitter, just moments after the official announcement was made by US president Barack Obama.
Perhaps Twitter's reaction to the news of Osama bin Laden's death was best summed up by users who tweeted a quote from Mark Twain: "I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure."
Here is a sampling of jokes and humorous remarks made on Twitter about the death of Osama bin Laden:
Albert Brooks tweeted: "Trump demanding to see Bin Laden death certificate." About a zillion other people made similar Donald Trump death certificate before and after Brooks.
Jimmy Fallon tweeted: "Got Bin Laden AND interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win for Obama all around," a reference to Obama's beef with Donald Trump.
Jimmy Kimmel: "I really hope bin laden didn't get reincarnated as one of Mariah Carey's babies."
Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross said: "[Right] now George W Bush is sayin " What else is on?"
Comedian Dana Gould said: "Bin Laden officially dead, the same week we learned Obama officially born. Weird...:
Steven Amiri: "Right now, Matt Damon is in a log cabin, silently cleaning his gun and is pleased with a job well done."
"Right now, I bet Al-Qaeda is listening to Boyz II Men's 'It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday' and pouring out a yogurt soda."
"Toby Keith just wrote two albums in the last hour."
"I hope when Obama announces Bin Laden's death, he takes off his sunglasses, says something witty and just starts blasting The Who."
Anthony Jeselnik: "Man, I would NOT want to be 72 virgins right now."
Adam Hendra: R.I.P Osama Bin Laden - World Hide And Go Seek Champion (2001 - 2011)
BitterOldPunk: "Oh man I so hope the US soldier who killed Osama is gay."
Eugene Khoza: "Gadhafi increases his life cover policy."
movingsideways: "BREAKING: US TERROR ALERT LEVEL RAISED TO "CONFETTI."
Continue reading at NowPublic.com: Osama Bin Laden Death Jokes: Twitter Reaction, Humor | NowPublic News Coverage http://www.nowpublic.com/world/osama-bin-laden-death-jokes-twitter-reaction-humor-2782996.html#ixzz1tun3ts2q
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